So I dated a girl for the first time.
Let’s call her Taylor.
I’ve wanted to write about it for months, but our relationship was beyond emotionally charged. I was afraid of what might come out on paper. I was afraid of what others might think.
Never mind the bullshit. I finally acted on my bisexual tendency and I want to talk about it. So let’s talk.
As a hetero-flexible female, I was curious. I’d kissed and cuddled girls in college but had only ever dated guys. I had a threesome with a couple in a darkly-lit hotel room in Pittsburgh. I took a nude bath with another couple on New Year’s Eve and kissed my friend’s girlfriend.
Then, on Thanksgiving Day of last year — November 26, 2018 — I met Taylor. She was a white girl. My height, blonde hair, always wore black sweatshirts. She acted like a punk guitarist with Batman’s emotional issues.
Me: “Hey, what’s up?”
Taylor: *peers at me from under her black hoodie* “Oh, livin’ the dream.”
She had a Jack Russell mix named wait for it— moose. We became friends. Our dogs became lovers. She began always wanting to see me 24/7 and I liked her, so we chilled.
I also liked her hive-mind of stoner friends, so we all chilled together. It was a tiny community of weed and video games. Taylor and her friends were like the high school I never had.
Then, one fateful night-Taylor lost her childhood dog to cancer. She called me, wanting to drive somewhere and smoke. We did, and laughed so hard that she forgot about her dog for a while.
Taylor: “You’re cute as fuck when you’re high…”
We pulled into a dimly-lit gas station. My lungs were still full with laughter, half a grin on my face. I looked over to spit a comment, but Taylor was out of the car in seconds.
Taylor: “You didn’t notice that, did you?”
Me: “Notice what?”
She shut the car door, not giving an answer. Indica seeped through my skin, making me notice the canvas car seats. The softness on my fingers, droplets on the window. Lightbulb.
That night, Taylor had a panic attack because she nearly told me how she felt and then got nervous. I didn’t know the full story, but I knew enough to guess her anxiety. I guessed it was over me.
That night, after 4 months, I admitted my own feelings for her to myself. I’d never fallen for a girl before.
Sure, I’d been in love with my female friend from college, but she never reciprocated my feelings (she also had no idea). Taylor did.
We dated for a month. That month was fun and blissful like a honeymoon phase should be. When May was over, Taylor dropped me and I was crushed. What should you know from my experience?
1. THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER
My fellow bi women, les-be honest shall we? Those of us who dated guys first, got fed up with their bullshit. Women are biologically more beautiful, empathetic… and the sex. oh man.
What’s not to love? I hate to break it to you, but the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Women have their own set of drawbacks and disadvantages too, just like men.
Taylor and I had an applause-worthy lack of communication. She was 21-I was 24, and honestly had a few more things figured out. Like, conflicts need to be talked about. She fought conflict with fun, and hoped the argument would work itself out.
Not the stereotypical “girl gossip” you were picturing, right? Lesbian couples don’t just talk about much guys blow and then go have sex. I know. I was shocked too.
Women have baggage just like men. Taylor was emotionally traumatized from a girl she’d dated the year before.
She was actually a dissociative, manipulative maniac but I couldn’t remember the last time I was so crazy about someone. Sure, women aren’t greener grass but they love just as hard.
2. GIRLS WON’T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS
I’m going to get really real here. I’d gotten fed up with dating introverted, college guys in stem. I wanted something different-a new perspective-something to shake me up.
I genuinely had feelings for Taylor. I thought she would solve all my problems with men, but that didn’t happen. Girls won’t solve your problems because your problems are your own.
Looking back on our relationship, I was running away from my issues with commitment and emotional vulnerability.
I found out quickly that counting on someone else to fix you causes awful co-dependency. I never wanted any of my ex-partners to suffocate me socially or emotionally, yet here I was doing it to her.
In my defense, she was working two jobs and had dissociated herself from her own feelings, but there’s my point. Everyone has their own problems, and a healthy relationship is built on both people working to become the best version of themselves.
You can work on improving together, but don’t count on someone else to solve your problems. *cue Fix You by Coldplay*
3. GENDER IS OBSOLETE
Dating a girl has taught me to differentiate less between gender. At the end of the day, you love who you love. If they make you laugh, turn you on, inspire admiration — who gives a flying fuck?
Love is love is love.
I learned that sexual exploration and wanting a change is a good thing, and was proud of myself for experimenting.
My theory of types had been crumbling for years, and I made a breakthrough after realizing not even gender matters.
Keeping your mind open towards any type of love will liberate you. You don’t have to chase every desire you feel, but knowing all possibilities are okay to pursue is so freeing.
You deserve to be entrenched in blind, unabashed love. You deserve pleasure and sexual exploration with that person (if you want). You deserve all the love and care they can give you, whoever they may be.